The wife went to sleep in the spare room yet again. It was a full moon and I expected it to be a good night for making contact with my lover. I could feel the energy of it in the air and based on the last few nights I thought that I would be in for one crazy night. Well I was not wrong about this. I felt her immediately come over me during mediation and she gave me all three aspects of the contacts that I know of with her, sexual, sensual and spiritual all at the same time. She has done this before during contacts with her, however tonight they were much stronger and more defined. I lay there in an aroused meditative state, feeling her energy all around me. She was somehow on me, under me and in me all at the same time. I felt love and peace and contemplated many things and received great inspiration and wisdom for my book that I am sure was also received into deep levels of both my mind and spirit. It was almost too much to bare and in some ways it was and stared to give me the antsy feeling; I think there was too much energy or charge for this battery to take. I turned over and went to sleep with her still holding me while she fondled and vibrated my penis and balls.
I had a very lucid dream where I woke up in a bed in a cold room; which I think was my old room at the house I grew up in. There was snow in the room and I leaned over in bed to pick some up and at the same time I looked at the window and realized that it was open and why there was snow was in the room. This is when I realized that I was dreaming and said “hey this is not right, I must be dreaming this.” It is in this exact moment that I became lucid in my dream and was aware of my surroundings. It is also when I started to wake up again. I remembered what I was supposed to do if this started to happened and immediately began to spin myself around. I stopped spinning and found myself outside the room and the house in the cold snow. I then said “I am dreaming and so I can control what I do and want and I want my lover here with me now.” She immediately showed up in the form of my ex-wife and while I was a bit taken back at first by this choice of hers to appear this way to me; I eventually relaxed and accepted it. We walked and talked tighter fir a few moments and found ourselves in a warmer room. We started to kiss and make love and the sensations where both very pleasant and realistic. I am not sure if we stopped making love at this point, however I remember looking at her and asking her how she was and where she was now or better put where she ended up after she passed away. She looked at me and said “I ended up in Hell”, as her face started to deform and take on a red burnt appearance before she more or less melted before my eyes. I was not frightened by this, I was more in shock by her words she had spoken to me and could not understand how she could have ended up there. I woke up in my bed contemplating what had just happened.
This is when my lover came over me again with the same intense and strong feelings as before. I lay in bed feeling her embracing love and thinking about the dream for maybe an hour or so. Before again not being able to handle the contact and maybe now the emotions that I was feeling, turned over and went to sleep. She same as before continued to hold and play with me while I fell back to sleep again for the second time this evening. I woke up in the morning just before the alarm went off, to her already there with me giving me some stronger more sexual energy; as I was fully erect and highly aroused. I am not sure she left my bed the entire night.
The dream I think was a test and a trial and healing episode meant for me to get over a deep seeded feeling of heavy regret that I have been carrying around for years about separating from her almost eight years ago now. I have always been saddened by the events that happened after I left and blamed myself for them. She passed away from cancer a couple of years ago. Even though in her death throws we made peace and forgave each other; I could not shake the personal blame I have placed upon myself and the feeling that it was my fault and I was responsible for everything bad that had happened to her. It has been a couple of days now and I have had had time to fully absorb and process the emotions and have come to the conclusion that this was a message to myself to heal. She is not in “Hell”, and I certainly did not put her there anymore than I am responsible for anything that happened to her up until her demise after our separation. I have a new sense of clarity, peace and closure around this now, more than I have every gotten before despite countless hours of therapy. There is always a rhyme and a reason with these spirit lovers of ours, they know the course we have laid out before us and are there guiding us, loving us, protecting us and holding our hands through it. I want to say thanks you babe and I love you and also a thanks to the universe for this gift of peace that I have just received. I am in tears now; these are wonderful tears of happiness and gratitude.