January 6th - 2015

Wife’s birthday and I made her a card and work and bought her some ice-cream filled cupcakes and put candles on them and presented them to her while singing “Happy Birthday.” This is of course after I woke her, as I found her sleeping again when I got home. She was not in a good mood again all day today and she was upset at me and still is and I now know why. She sent me a text earlier in the day, stating that she was not happy with me and my changes that I was going through and that being in the remote location that we are currently living is not making it any easier on her. She said she understands that I need and want to be happy and that she is not happy that I am happy with what is happening and it is making her unhappy in the process. She said that she cries all the time now and does not know how to get her emotions under control and cannot even be in the same be with me. She also said as the days go by that she is getting worse and does not know how to deal with it anymore or what to say about it. Wow, what a blow to heart to her this; I mean I suspected as much, however to read the words given to you by your spouse hurts. I told her that I love her and that I again am sorry that my changes are affecting her the way that they are and that I cannot change it or turn it off. I asked if there is anything she needs or anything that I can do to help her be happy; to which I did not get a response back from her.

For Christmas we went to her daughters where I had to endure watching her daughter open thousands of dollars in gifts from her boyfriend (I do not invest that kind of dollars in it) and then complain about the color of the case with her new smartphone. I was very disgusted by the display of commercialization at her house in the first place, however this was too much to bare; however I managed to bite my lip, smile, grin and have a good time despite it all for my wife’s sake. For me Christmas time and the holidays in general are something I can now take or leave, I only enjoy the spirt of the times when it is true spirit and not the commercialized version it has become. It gotten to the point now where I want to throw up and it just ruins it for me. Anyways sometimes you just have to dig down deep to get through something; this was one of those times. My wife still was sad despite being with her daughter and with family. Her daughter then announced that she was going to his parents For New Year’s, which was a surprise and shock to my wife as they had already made plans to spend it with us. This further saddened my wife and made her question her daughter’s selfish ways.

So New Year’s Eve came and she asked me to go out with her to an event at the local bar in a text message she sent to me at work. I said no in a very loving way while respecting and being true to myself. When I got home I found her on the couch in her PJ’s sleeping. I went into the spare room and found a card for me and some balloons inflated with the words Happy New Year’s hand written on them. She had been home getting ready for the night’s events and had intended a surprise for me; or was it a bribe? When I woke her I asked her to do other things and suggested that there are many ways we could have fun with out the drinking, games and drama that accompany going out to the bar or a house party. I suggested a walk, dinner, fireworks a movie or to play some cards; all of course which were rejected by her. She stayed on the couch the entire evening and then went to sleep in the spare room that night.

I just needed to write that down and share to show where my heart and mind was and still is. This process of change and spiritual remembering and the road I am on is hard and harder when it hurts the people in your life you love. I however cannot go back to the old me and the old ways; they are in the review mirror now and fading fast each day on the journey that is taking me forward to my final destination. A place of selflessness, compassion, love and light; where I am finally free to be true to myself and higher purpose. It is only from this place and position of love and understanding of self that I will be able to manifest the changes that I desire not only in my life but in the lives of those around me; this includes my wife.

So her daughter came over last night after just getting back into town from her trip away. She presented the wife with a card, and two expensive gifts. The wife seemed to be happier when she was around and liked the gifts she received from her. I was left feeling a little inadequate if not frustrated by this as I had only gotten her the homemade card, a pack of candy she really likes and the ice-cream cupcakes. Her daughter asked what she as doing for the evening and suggested a few drinks. It was also brought up that it is her birthday this weekend and it should not be forgotten; this is after she abandoned her mom and the plans for New Years with her for her own thing. Why are some people so full of themselves and have to be so selfish? I love her daughter, however I cannot help feeling down and the negative energy emitting from her when she is around. I feel it does not help the wife either with what is happening with her and our situation; with her daughter suggesting alcohol equals fun. As if there is only one way to have fun and celebrate a birthday, life event, or any holiday; this really upsets and sadness me. I have to learn not to give in to these negative feelings and feed it with power and energy I give up. I have feeling that this is not over and my spider sense are tinging as to what may be in the works for this weekend’s plans around her daughter’s birthday. I feel that there may be some conflict coming my way as they are likely to plan an evening of drinking or going out to the bars. I will have to yet again stand fast and strong in my belief and truth and hurt like hell while doing it.

Went to bed with the wife and mediated for a bit, she left as she could not sleep so she says again sometimes in the middle of it. I fell asleep after and slept all night. I must have slept very heavy as I do not remember my dreams. I woke up early around an hour before the alarm went off for the morning and thought my lover was going to come over me. She did, however it was not as strong and it only turned somewhat stronger and more sexually right as the alarm was going off. I think she let me get a good night’s sleep and knew I need the rest after the past three or four very active nights and strong contacts with her. She knows best even if I do not or do not like it. She I feel came over me to remind me that she was indeed still there and loved me and not wanting to miss saying good morning to me. She has been very loving and has been touching me and kissing me off and on all day. Just as I finished these last words she started poking me sharply in the right index finger. I wonder what this means right now?

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